I’m not sure whether I want to tell anyone where to find this blog yet.

At the beginning, I had a short list of people to whom I planned to provide this new blog address. Just a few kindred spirits, you know?

And then I started wondering if that wouldn’t undermine my efforts to just get back down to the root of me. Part of what “went wrong” with my other blogs is that they weren’t journals – they were publications, things written for an audience rather than for myself. Even now, the way I’m writing this entry sounds like I’m writing it to an exterior audience.

Part of self-actualization (or do I mean self-awareness, or something else entirely? Self immolation?) is making the rest of the world quiet down enough so that you can hear your own thoughts again. I remember being little, riding in the back seat with my parents as we trekked around the backcountry of the Colorado Rockies, and trying desperately to understand whether I was actually hearing the voice in my head that did the thinking. I couldn’t decide whether it counted as hearing, since my ears weren’t doing anything. I couldn’t make the voice in my head be quiet – the more I tried not to think, the more I self-narrated. (It’s like The Game – impossible to win once you’re snagged.) But there are long stretches of time now, as an adult, when that voice in my head is nowhere to be found. I’d like to get it back.

I’m not sure that inviting friends to this blog would hurt that. I’m just not sure it would help, either.

Well, I’ve got plenty of time to think about it. I can always invite people over. I just can’t un-invite, so I need to be sure. 🙂


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Some are baffled, but that one is not - that one knows me.
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